Hmmm. Funny. Don’t completely agree. But like what she said about self respect.
While I don’t think that you have to ‘wait til marriage to have sex’, I do believe everything that she said about self worth. I believe the “wait til you get married to have sex” thing is the reason so many people married the wrong person and got divorced later. It is also the reason that so many people get married too young. Studies show that young people who wait til at least 26 or 28 years old, to get married are much more successful with marriage than those who get married earlier. And they are also better equipped to be more patient, stable, loving parents. (Stability is absolutely essential for a child’s overall health). They also have a better sense of who they are, and what they want and need, have had time to work through some of their issues and tend to choose better matches. They have had time to develop some sense of autonomy, and some time to possibly think of their individual purpose (other than child-rearing). While there can be some exceptions to these comments, I think it is important for a person to know who they are, before they commit before God/dess and everyone to be with another person for the rest of their life.
I believe that sex is a special experience and that it is a way of expressing love. Although in many circles of singles, they tell me that there is something wrong with me that I do not just have casual sex (or date people for the sole purpose of having sex) and that I am not as ‘evolved’ because I don’t participate in “Polyamory” (another word they use for multiple sex partners), I stick with my original beliefs that “sex is something special and it is about love”. I believe that sex is something beautiful to be cherished. I have received a lot of criticism for this idea, in a world that vascilates between puritanical abstention and lustful, greedy obsession with sexuality. And when I was younger, I was rejected many times for not “putting out”.
Many singles use sex as a ‘drug of choice’ and make others wrong for not participating. Also this thing of ‘serial monogamy’ i.e. relationship addiction where you use a person ’til you are bored with them, then move on to the next person (usually before your last relationship was even over), is in my opinion a way of not dealing with your issues or doing proper grief work. It is harmful to the person doing it, because they get stuck in patterns of insecure attachment that could potentially leave them single forever, and it is harmful to their love interest who feels used when they are dumped for the next interesting person. Women can have 300 times the oxytocin (bonding chemical) as men. When it is a man “rebounding” and dumping his partner for someone else, it can leave a woman traumatized. The chemicals in a woman’s body (who has a healthy/secure attachment /bonding mechanism) can cause her to feel overwhelmed, as well as excruciating pain. Oxytocin withdrawal (in the words of a nurse friend of mine) is literally biochemically equivalent to cocaine withdrawal. Relationships need to be gently moved from, and issues need to be worked through, for both parties to be healthy at the end. The days of randomly using people and disposing of them when you are done, in a selfish way to get needs met, without regard for others, are over.
More older women are dating younger men because men their own age are ignorant, immature or disrespectful. So those men, who are just randomly using women until their 30s or 40s (when they are ready to settle down), are often left behind when high quality women date younger men who are can be more caring, respectful, appreciative and attractive. Also studies show that rebound relationships are rarely successful. They rarely result in two healthy people coming together to have a healthy relationship.
The societal patterns are that people are waiting longer to get married (especially if they have divorced parents), with people waiting til their 30s, or even early 40s for their first marriage. To tell them they have til wait to they are 40 to have sex is not realistic (and literally can be harmful to their health). But even if they are waiting til they find a good match, to realize their dreams, or to have their career in order before they marry, they still need to be honest, open and responsible with how they have sex and who they have sex with. I hear all the time people say “I told him /her that I didn’t want a relationship, before I had sex with him/her. I dont know why she/he is so attached”. This is not how the body works for someone who is emotionally available. People bond, oxytocin creates a bond, and people can be attached when they have sex. It is the person who just wants “to play” who is responsibility to pick the right person with whom to “play”. And to be responsible. The day of “there are no victims; it is your fault if I hurt you” are over. If you are setting up someone to get hurt, and they feel traumatized when you are done with them. You are responsible. Or shall I say, “you have been irresponsible”.
Unconditional love and responsible people do not leave a trail of bodies, or people who feel traumatized. If you are responsible, honest, open and choose the right people, there is no reason that people will feel traumatized from their experience with you. If you want to just “play” then do not choose people who want a commitment, even if they are naive (inexperienced) and think they can handle it. If someone hasn’t been burned before, by someone just wanting ‘fun’, when they want a serious, committed relationship, and they don’t know how much pain can be involved with that, it is OUR job to protect them from that type of harm. We are responsible to make sure that what we do, does not harm another. The days of take everything you can get, not caring about our impact on others, selfish greed, the ends justify the means and if you get hurt by me, it’s your fault for not protecting yourself better are over. Innocent people don’t know they need to protect themselves from others. It is OUR job to not harm the innocent or vulnerable, not THEIR job to walk around defensive so that they do not get hurt. The job of the inner male, and men in our society is to protect others, even if it is to protect them from themselves. The days of recklessly, selfishly using people and their bodies to get ahead are over. We all know that rape is not ok. Neither is just using people for sex and disposing them. The days of using people for their ideas and energy and not giving something in return are also over.